If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
