I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize