I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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