I must be too annoying 4 u.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
