i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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