just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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