Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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