The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
