It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
