there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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