When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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