True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
