smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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