is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Randomize
