he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
