Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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