I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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