Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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