The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize