note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
