Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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