this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
