I can text with my tongue
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
