Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
