someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
