so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
