There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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