I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He shit in the fireplace
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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