I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
