I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
