He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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