A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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