I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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