no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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