don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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