How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
