I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
