His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Let's get the cat blown out
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
