thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize