I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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