Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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