come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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