update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
