dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
