She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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