1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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