btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Randomize
