Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
