Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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