Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
