Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
