So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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