Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize