Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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