Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
