I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
