man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize