omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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